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PLEASE READ THIS SUMMARY CAREFULLY, THEN ASK
YOUR DOCTOR ABOUT PANEXA AND HOW TO PROVIDE YOU WITH LARGE
QUANTITIES. THIS ADVERTISEMENT DOES NOT TAKE THE PLACE OF
ADVICE FROM YOUR DOCTOR; RATHER, IT PROVIDES YOU WITH NEW
INFORMATION ABOUT ADDITIONAL DRUGS YOU COULD BE TAKING.
PANEXA
is a prescription drug that should only be taken by patients
experiencing one of the following disorders: metabolism,
binocular vision, digestion (solid and liquid), circulation,
menstruation, cognition, osculation, and/or extremes of
emotion. For patients with coronary heart condition (CHC) or
two separate feet (2SF), the dosage of PANEXA should be
doubled to ensure that twice the number of pills are being
consumed. PANEXA can also be utilized to decrease the risk of
death caused by not taking PANEXA, being beaten to death by
Oompa Loompas, or death relating from complications arising
from seeing too much of the color lavender. Epileptic patients
should take care to ensure tight, careful grips on containers
of PANEXA, in order to secure their contents in the event of a
seizure caused by PANEXA or otherwise.
WARNING
In
a small number of tested cases (89%) PANEXA was found to cause
abdominal muscle spasmodic activity coupled with lower back
muscle paralysis resulting in most patients violently bending
forward like a book slamming shut. While some other drugs
promote similar responses (i.e. mustard gas) PANEXA's
reactions are over 48X as powerful and take place with a great
deal more intensity and duration. Also, PANEXA can contribute
to developing inhumanly powerful tongue muscles, capable of
licking through steel.
IMPORTANT INFORMATION FOR WOMEN
Pregnant
women, or women who plan to become pregnant, should avoid
taking PANEXA or handling broken tablets. Or intact tablets.
Women considering some day becoming pregnant, who have ever
been pregnant, who have had a pregnant friend or pet, or who
have seen other pregnant women, should also follow these
precautions: Do not handle PANEXA tablets, containers, or
related literature. If a PANEXA product nears your field of
vision, avert your eyes. Try not to say the word
"PANEXA." If you do happen to pronounce the
syllables, together or separate in any order within a 24 hour
period, spit thrice and soak your hands in mango yogurt. If
you hear the words spoken, live or via recorded medium, cover
your ears and immediately see a specialist to try and staunch
the bleeding. Try not to think too hard about PANEXA. In fact,
don't ever even think about it at all. Pretend you never heard
of PANEXA, and never will. Also, drink plenty of liquids.
SIDE EFFECTS
Most patients (2%) tolerate treatment
with PANEXA well, especially when compared with prisoners of
war of comparable size and weight. However, like all drugs,
PANEXA can produce some notable side effects, all of which are
probably really, really terrific and nothing that anyone
should be concerned about, let alone notify any medical
regulatory commission about. Most side effects of PANEXA, or
their sufferers, are usually short-lived, although sometimes
(92%) so fatal that the remains can no longer be identified
(unless good dental records are available). Some known side
effects are:
Respiratory system: Shortness of breath; longness of breath; kinetic
balloon-like lung expansion; really geeky laughs; terminal
lung cancer.
Digestive system: explosive diarrhea; constipation; upset stomach;
numb stomach; achy butt; terminal colon cancer; shiny feces
composed of aluminum and studded with diamonds and sapphire.
Eyes/senses: everything you think you see becomes a Tootsie
Roll; taste hallucinations (where everything tastes 'gamey' or
'oakey'); inability to distinguish the colors 'taupe' and
'putty'; terminal ocular cancer; sudden enjoyment of really
bad music like Kenny G or MC Hammer; thinking everything is so
damn funny all the time.
Muscular/Skeletal: PANEXA can cause a real live skeleton to be
walking around inside you; buttock muscles to mirror the
actions of the jaw muscles; magnetization of the ribcage;
terminal bone cancer; musical spine disorder (MSD).
Other: Loss of sexual desire and/or desirability; rising of the lights; the
vapors; the willies; susceptibility to wedgies; no rhythm or
jumping ability; can't hold a job to save your life; blue
sweats; symptoms that look like scurvy (but louder); and the
compulsion to address everyone nearby as "Cap'n".
PANEXA is a registered trademark of MERD Pharmaceutical Group.
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